would you?

if i said to you
"sometimes i'm empty"
would you get it?

if i told you
"she eats ice all day and pours the melted water on the carpet"
would you realize the funny-ness?

if i wrote a poem for you
and said it wasn't me
would you know?

if i said
"that person's my friend" but couldn't remember their name
would you believe me?

if you saw me laughing with my sister
about the night i cussed her out on accident
would you laugh with us?

if i said
"men are fucking bastards and i hate them all!"
would you know that i still loved you?

if i listened to you
with all the intensity that i love you with
would you notice?

8 year old

you are my mexican smile
& i'm gonna miss your bright brown eyes
and your winning ways.
...how you love winning!
& playing the adult ...and shifting while i drive.

you are my independent soul
letting your shakes melt into drinks
& sharing my fettish for stickers.
I'm gonna miss how you love your own brilliance
and saying thank you.

you are my proud tomorrow's leader
i'm gonna miss you expecting me on mondays
and the laughter that carries itself through all your moods.
how you take a risk and then get shy, but try again.
i hope you always soar!

i say Bri

i'm sorry Bri
i'm sorry for the hurt that breaks your heart.
i'd take it from you if i could.
i'd give you a home in my heart
where i'd let you crawl in and dance
freely to who you are.
to see you blosssom in the safety
even as you have in adversity.

i'm sorry Bri.
that i can't mend your bleeding dreams.
my hands flutter uselessly
as you stand strong anyway
while the miracle of you takes a beating
with no shelter from the storm.

I say Bri
that you'll take it into your own hands
so full of the power to overcome.
and the place i couldn't offer now
i'll one day offer in your name
because i've seen you
and remembered how you were in your pain

time.and memory

4:07 pm. chai tea in the airport. it burns my tongue. so this is boise and i'm tired. I've been reminded what my life was like 4 years ago, been there for a friend and been told i was almost adopted, or something. I wan to slow dance.
"you almost had our name," he said.
inside "tell me more" is whispered as i wonder what he meant.
telephone numbers and "keep in touches" flow from memories of changing love. life is like this ring: just too tight on one finger, just too loose on the next. No one can quite manage to live it, nad no one quite wants to lose it. I want the life i have today.
but yesterday i longed for what you just offered me.
do i look different? I am.
"you look so confident," they say. and i was shaking when i saw them after so many years. shaking and confident.
and happy, despite it all. that's what reuniting does to you. my chai is cooling as i reminisce. Then it's time to board. 4:26 pm.


____________________________________________________________________________________


inside the hot drink seemd like a good idea. now as i step outside i think the air might be warmer. i saunter to the plane and think about how much my parking will cost back in ontario. i smile at the people as i excuse my way down the narrow aisle. My life is odd. but excruciatingly beautiful. i think of all the people who will be coming to my graduation. who don't know each other. who will meet. i think i will like introducing them. for a change.