leads and the storms in life

all my dreams are holding out in front of me
fading and winking

i sit by the window taking the storm in.
feeling the loss and the meaning of life. writing.

thunder slams down so loud it shakes the house and sets the fire alarm off.

shouts from downstairs. i flinch in awe. "kajee you okay?"
"yeah."

...

i have no more leads. the jobs I interviewed for said I don't have enough experience.

hell that's what I'm trying to get!

i'm scared. i'm living at my best friends house, with 80 dollars to my name. no job and no leads.

the infuriating thing is that I actually have a lot of experience for my age and where I am in life. so where does that leave me?

And my looks aren't helping at all. Someone asked me if I was in school the other day. I told them no, i had just graduated. They proceeded to ask if I was thinking about college. "Yeah. that's what I uh, just graduated from..."


perhaps the worst part is that mixed in with all my fear, frustration, uncertainty and desire about the future is guilt for the knowledge that in the way of life, I am among the luckiest.

college education

food to eat every day

a roof over my head every night

plenty of clothes

a phone

a car

shoes

a rich family of friends that love me

hope...

what if things aren't going my way? ...or are they?

the storm beats the question deeper and deeper into the vocal silence of the night.

opportunities

sometimes opportunities are like lightening.
just as you raise your eyes to take it in, it's gone.
leaving in it's blinding wake only your throbbing desire not to have missed it.
as the thunder claps the beat of your misery
and rain mixes with sweat and tears until you can taste the salt of your longing.