misfit

i came in last night with two bags over my shoulder.
two wife beaters on and jeans with two gaping wholes in each knee.
a blue camaflage bandana over messy short hair and a rusting hoop dangling from each ear.
i came home last night with laceless shoes splitting open at the seems
and no gum because i'm trying to save my teeth.
i came home last night tilted sideways because of the bags
and the car keys falling from left hand fingers.
i came home last night through the garage
slamming the dust covered door of my toy and textbook filled car.
i came home last night into a dimly lit house
where people were watching tv upstiars.
and i thought, rather felt as i climed those stairs,
quiet-immaculate-nice atmosphere,
how strange it was for me to belong
and belong in a place like this.

the best life

there was a question i had been pondering in my own thinking. and it came to me, out of the blue, as we sat talking in his lamplit office. we had been discussing the meaning of life and the god construct which he believes there may be something beyond, although you can only discuss it in terms of construction... there was a stretching momentary lull in the animated flow of dialogue as we each stared past each other at the book lined walls. suddenly i leaned forward and asked "do you believe we have a right to live the best life we can even though other people can't have it?"

"no!" he said with a surprisingly emphatic and immediate certainty. and after a moment continued... "because that's not the best life we can have."

maybe family

maybe
family
are just
those people
you scream and cuss at
when you're mad.
and still
go back to
when
you're not,
anymore.

maybe

they're
the only people
you can truly
both
love
and hate.

maybe family
are
those people
you always ask
stuff from
when you want it
and never when
you need it.

maybe

family
is
what makes
you who you are
and
everything
you try and keep
from being.

maybe family
is
the background
against which you are defined.

and

you
are just
the
space
carved between
thier
identities.

Little bird

Little bird you saw eagles
and told lies you believed &
had too much power
and not enough care

Little bird you saw eagles
and loved smoothies &
took pictures
and told me not to smile

Little bird you saw evil
and we said we'd protect you &
sent you back
with trash bags
and lies we wished we could believe in


__________________________________________________________

i wrote little bird to commemorate a young life who slipped herself through our office (an FFA) and through the courts hands, and worst of all, through my hands. i wrote it, because when she asked me if i could still come and visit her after leaving her with her mother, i said "no sweetie, i'm sure you'll be having so much fun with your mom, that will be better than me visiting." and i wrote it because i'll never lie to a child again. i wrote it because the guilt of the pain of her young life rests on my shoulders and yours.

if it had a name...

you made me smile and laugh.
and then i heard news of the war in iraq.
and the women being raped in the army.
and the children being born to thier mother's in prison.
and i wanted more than my good life, again.
i wanted that DAMN war to end!

my body is me

my body fascinates me.
i am tall and taughtly relaxed like a bow when it's strung
but not pulled back.
all my curves are long and drawn out
like an S stretched from both ends.
i am like a panther. strong and sleek.
but sometimes i feel like a kitten. perhaps like a wild cat
that looks soft and cuddly but you better not mess with it.
sometimes i have a soft side but it's mostly inside
and i can turn it away from you in the cold shoulder instant.
for a manner or a whim. but if i love you i'll turn it back in a minute.
indiference is just one of my moods.
i like it when my body works together for one thing
with my mind.
when it all commits to one goal.
strives for one cause.
sometimes it's fragmented
like floating limbs and loosley strung parts
sloppily thrown together.
see the thing is someone put a drill to me and wouldn't stop hammering
and all that pressure finally busted me up
there's something else though.
about the strong part.
it's that string that sinewy muscle cord
with a mind like fire and a deep deep heart
it just never let go of all the pieces
that's my soul waiting for someone like you:someone like me
to bring it back together.
that sleek, panther, bowstring S
my body.

Somebody

"I. I. I say I am. I say I am somebody.
Somebody because--because you--you make me--somebody,
Because--because you are part of
Because you--you share the--the Somebodiness of me.

"When you laugh, you make my lips a part of laughter.
When you cry, tension pulls me from inside.
When you are hungry, my food turns to poison, makes me burst
Bony fingers clutch my toungue when I--when I know your thirst
Because you are part of--because you--you share the
The Somebodiness of me.

"When I see your precious blood out of place, your bones exposed in death--
My blood chills and stops as I try to--try to--give you breath.
I must keep you from all--all fear and danger--
I must woo your peace of mind--
Help you--help you find joy--
Help you--help you find release
Because you are part of--because you--you share the
the Somebodiness of me.

"I cannot own that which you cannot also possess.
Your crime is mine, and from now on I'll confess
Because you are part of--because you share the
the Somebodiness of me.

"You--you--you are at the other end of the steel spring of hate,
So I cannot hate.
When you know my love--my love will warm you--
Cleansing, deep
So, let me--let me take your hand. Let me touch your fingers,
Feel your face. Know your heartbeat and all--all your doubts erase
Because you are part of--because you--you share the
the Somebodiness of me."

--Ruby Dee

castles in the sky

i'm building castles in the sky again.
and i know it, but i can't stop.
i want to.
and i want them to settle slowly down to earth.
in fact what i really want is my future to settle.
i want to know the best decisions.
i want to have a plan and have peace about it.
i want what everyone wants and i want it handed to me on a silver platter.
that sounds about right. doesn't it?

do i try and reconect with my family?
or do i slip into subee's?

do i stay here where the possibilities are endless
or do i try to ferret out and snatch the one way to get my education payed for in colorado?
do i take the job jill's practically offered me and soon start grad school
or do i look for a less professional one where i'll have family around the corner?

life is so complicated. and i do feel alone. i want to walk away into a rosy sunset but barring that possibility i don't know what my next best preference is... i just don't know what i want and need.
except for my castles in the sky.