Friday, September 19, 2008
They say my baby is 1/3 of an inch long. I hold a ruler up to my stomach and mark off the length. Tiny. And they say it’s forming toes. And that it’s heart is beating. “How are you doing down there, little one? tiny one?” you blow my mind you microscopic baby becoming being. You blow my mind and make me weep. I am empty for how full I am with you.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
too long gone
I don’t believe in anything.
Anymore.
I’ve become jaded by my mistakes.
Too many times I’ve said
“everything I believed in, was wrong”
Why does my life seem so long gone.
I’m only 24.
I feel caught between the beginning and the end.
Anymore.
I’ve become jaded by my mistakes.
Too many times I’ve said
“everything I believed in, was wrong”
Why does my life seem so long gone.
I’m only 24.
I feel caught between the beginning and the end.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
hhhmmm and a sigh
Today the only thing I really want is not to be here. I just sent one of my co-workers home sick, and practically in tears over all that needed to be done. Personally I just feel kind of nauseous and food looks entirely un-appetizing although I feel like I ought to have more than a glass of rice milk and ½ an English muffin for breakfast. I have a styrofoam mug in front of me, black cherry tea giving it a honey red murky depth. It promises warmth in my cold office, but the thought of drinking even that… my stomach cramps. I rub the goose bumps on my arms and take a sip anyway. I begin to be afraid I’m pregnant again. Or again, begin to fear I’m pregnant. There’s nothing “again” about a pregnancy, just the wondering. But I can’t go there. There are too many hopes and fears wrapped up in that maybe to agonize over for the next 4-5 days while I wait for my period to start… or not. But that’s not what this story is about… or is it. It’s about the thoughts that refuse to order. To make some order of them. How I want to be home with my baby, free like birds to chase all our dreams. To right the world where we touch it.
Well, as far as a small piece of what I wanted for work, there’s a child abuse training scheduled for all staff on Friday. We’ll see what it’s about, if it’s any good and if it will do any good. For now I just tell myself “at least it’s on the plate”. Nine months left. That’s all. Then I’m out. Back to school. Shake the dirt off my feet and move on. I hope. At least I hope I can. Sometimes l feel like I’ll always feel tainted by this place and how it’s not what it should be. Fit to drive you crazy. Drive me crazy at least. But I’ll not let it. I’m going back to school next year. Let me re-iterate it until I believe it enough to work for it, harder and harder. I WILL accomplish my goal.
Well, as far as a small piece of what I wanted for work, there’s a child abuse training scheduled for all staff on Friday. We’ll see what it’s about, if it’s any good and if it will do any good. For now I just tell myself “at least it’s on the plate”. Nine months left. That’s all. Then I’m out. Back to school. Shake the dirt off my feet and move on. I hope. At least I hope I can. Sometimes l feel like I’ll always feel tainted by this place and how it’s not what it should be. Fit to drive you crazy. Drive me crazy at least. But I’ll not let it. I’m going back to school next year. Let me re-iterate it until I believe it enough to work for it, harder and harder. I WILL accomplish my goal.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
sand in a bottle
In my office, dimly lit by lamplite. I have something to write. Sade sings "pearls". Children laugh in the hall. I can hear the silence between the sounds. It is velvet, heavy with contemplation. I am visited by memories of the past.
Two friends are out from California. Friends from highschool, friends from camp, friends that stayed friends through college, through the changing years. Yet they have changed little. And I am struck by the difference of our lives. By the difference that stretches between old friends: the only bridge, the change.
How is it that this came to be? I see clearly and with gratitude the path that led me away. The mystery is the path that stayed the same. I had all but believed it to have whithered away.
Two friends are out from California. Friends from highschool, friends from camp, friends that stayed friends through college, through the changing years. Yet they have changed little. And I am struck by the difference of our lives. By the difference that stretches between old friends: the only bridge, the change.
How is it that this came to be? I see clearly and with gratitude the path that led me away. The mystery is the path that stayed the same. I had all but believed it to have whithered away.
Eric
My love,
I have something to say.
Something that can’t wait.
Something that lies deep and comforting in my chest,
beating with my heart
The rhythm of love for you, my love.
This is what I have to say,in every way
possible
i love you
I have something to say.
Something that can’t wait.
Something that lies deep and comforting in my chest,
beating with my heart
The rhythm of love for you, my love.
This is what I have to say,in every way
possible
i love you
social action/political change
I’m starting small.
One step in the right direction.
Maybe one or two, just to get me going.
I’m starting small.
Like the first fist of snow for a snowball.
Just enough to get it rolling.
Growing.
Something to get me moving.
Just enough to get the momentum started.
A word here.
An e-mail there.
A donation when I can.
Connecting when ideas are good, even though far from perfect.
Finally I see the dreams and ideas changing,
……..morphing,
………………………growing in the smallest ways into actions and movement.
I hope you do something too.
Anything to get you going in the right direction.
And please remind me that you did.
Sometimes I need the nudge.
Most times really…
b/c though my dreams are worlds through and life-changing.
I’m starting off small.
A step in the right direction.
Maybe two or three just do get me going.
Like the first fist of snow for a snowball
Just enough to get it rolling.
Growing.
Something to get me moving.
Just enough to get the momentum started.
One step in the right direction.
Maybe one or two, just to get me going.
I’m starting small.
Like the first fist of snow for a snowball.
Just enough to get it rolling.
Growing.
Something to get me moving.
Just enough to get the momentum started.
A word here.
An e-mail there.
A donation when I can.
Connecting when ideas are good, even though far from perfect.
Finally I see the dreams and ideas changing,
……..morphing,
………………………growing in the smallest ways into actions and movement.
I hope you do something too.
Anything to get you going in the right direction.
And please remind me that you did.
Sometimes I need the nudge.
Most times really…
b/c though my dreams are worlds through and life-changing.
I’m starting off small.
A step in the right direction.
Maybe two or three just do get me going.
Like the first fist of snow for a snowball
Just enough to get it rolling.
Growing.
Something to get me moving.
Just enough to get the momentum started.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
the endless rounds
let me just do what i can today. i'm tired. my body's worn out. my brain is tired from running in a thousand different directions. i'd like to stay home and write. it's been 5 months since i've had a vacation. get used to it i guess. this is the work world. those two weeks at christmas are going to be a life saver. 5 months to reach them though. i tell the tired workings of my mind, again. just do what you can today. start somewhere. get through it. and leave when the hands reach 3 and 6. be glad for these early days when you roll out of bed and drag your body out the door before you normally brush your teeth. lunch by the phone, computer, so i can leave early. bring this wreck home. maybe tomorrow will seem less formidable. let me just wipe one of these endless tasks off my plate. let me just do what i can today.
Monday, July 28, 2008
It's been a long day. at 2:00 i have another meeting. i don't have the information for it. forgot it as a matter of fact. don't have time to recolect. got a family, 15% over-income. recieve their stipend twice a year hhhmmmm... that's too much. walked back into the room, "so you recieve this once anually, correct?
"yes once anually".
"great, will you please sign here..."
...practical ethics are questionable at best.
"yes once anually".
"great, will you please sign here..."
...practical ethics are questionable at best.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
i have lost my way on a sunny day
i walked on under the rumble of thunder
bent my head in the blowing rain
kept my way in the face of the pain
but when i looked up and all i saw
was the blue blue sky and the birds and the lies
it all seemed clean. and it all seemed true.
and it all seemed like i could go on without you
poor wretched soul, in the mud and the cold
and the blood of your brothers who were killed in the war
for your sister who was raped on the day she turned four
i'm searching for the path back
to a place i've never been
by creating a space
where i'll find friends if i can't find kin
i walked on under the rumble of thunder
bent my head in the blowing rain
kept my way in the face of the pain
but when i looked up and all i saw
was the blue blue sky and the birds and the lies
it all seemed clean. and it all seemed true.
and it all seemed like i could go on without you
poor wretched soul, in the mud and the cold
and the blood of your brothers who were killed in the war
for your sister who was raped on the day she turned four
i'm searching for the path back
to a place i've never been
by creating a space
where i'll find friends if i can't find kin
Thursday, July 10, 2008
muse
I cannot account for the million merging roads my life has become.
It is a jagged run, like the path of ants in search of food.
It has taken me everywhere I never expected to be.
I feel isolated by the difference between my life and the lives of my friends.
I am searching for the tree of knowledge.
There used to be one, but I think it’s lost.
I was lonely. Now I am concerned.
I need the truth to liberate me but I fear it will offend.
It is a jagged run, like the path of ants in search of food.
It has taken me everywhere I never expected to be.
I feel isolated by the difference between my life and the lives of my friends.
I am searching for the tree of knowledge.
There used to be one, but I think it’s lost.
I was lonely. Now I am concerned.
I need the truth to liberate me but I fear it will offend.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Some days seem impossibly long for every reason, and no reason.
Keep looking over your shoulder afraid you’ll get caught not passing time quick enough.
When you look at the tasks before you and ask “am I up for this?”
and drag your feet because you don’t know what kind of difference you’re making anyway.
I’m stuck in one of those days and all I want is go to sleep. Doze off and drift away to a land where everything goes the way it should. And everybody is qualified for what they do. and nobody has to learn the hard way.
But I’ve got three more hours left at work. Three stretching hours and seven long minutes till I can pack up and head out.
Hours i could fill if I felt more competent.
It’s just that today…
I don’t feel like doing any of the things I’m not sure how to do.
Because inspiration comes from giving up, right?
Being my own worst critic keeps me on the straight and narrow. But it also means I have to be my own best cheerleader. And that’s a bigger task.
So how do I solve the problem of enrolling a Spanish speaking teenage mom and her son into the program? Where do I compromise is more like the question. Do I do it, with the Spanish that I’ve got? Do I pull in some teacher who doesn’t know the program or the forms and draw the process out getting every other thing I say, translated properly? Do I look for Spanish classes to enroll in today? Yes. But how does that help this mother and this son.
Sometimes I feel that we make what we say we do bigger than what we do. I think I’m doing as good a job as anyone else. But i remain to be convinced as to whether or not I am doing a good enough job.
Problem solving. Go to my supervisor. “Have you ever enrolled a Spanish speaking family?: “How am I going to make this work beyond enrollment?” Move on to his supervisor. “We’ll pull in someone. Do you want to enroll this family or not?”
“Yes. I think they could benefit from the services. I’m just concerned of how appropriate they will end up being, me not speaking Spanish.”
“You can speak some Spanish can’t you.”
“Yes and I could probably get by but… what if I’m missing things?”
“Well you can take someone with you when you don’t think they’re getting it and it’s that important. There’s a whole bunch of people speak Spanish in Home Based.”
“Yeah, but that’s the thing. If you’re missing something your missing it.”
“all right. You can take Adriana with you. She’s in this neighborhood so I can make sure she’s available.”
“Every time that I meet with them?”
“every time you meet with them.”
“okay, but I’ma hold you to that!”
“You hold me to that Miss KJ!”
“And I’ll be you’re witness.”
“can I get a witness in her!” ….
Social work.
So then… one day I’ll be fluent. And watch me get a Vietnamese family.
but now we're down to two hours and 15 minutes. with three more problems to solve. at least.
Keep looking over your shoulder afraid you’ll get caught not passing time quick enough.
When you look at the tasks before you and ask “am I up for this?”
and drag your feet because you don’t know what kind of difference you’re making anyway.
I’m stuck in one of those days and all I want is go to sleep. Doze off and drift away to a land where everything goes the way it should. And everybody is qualified for what they do. and nobody has to learn the hard way.
But I’ve got three more hours left at work. Three stretching hours and seven long minutes till I can pack up and head out.
Hours i could fill if I felt more competent.
It’s just that today…
I don’t feel like doing any of the things I’m not sure how to do.
Because inspiration comes from giving up, right?
Being my own worst critic keeps me on the straight and narrow. But it also means I have to be my own best cheerleader. And that’s a bigger task.
So how do I solve the problem of enrolling a Spanish speaking teenage mom and her son into the program? Where do I compromise is more like the question. Do I do it, with the Spanish that I’ve got? Do I pull in some teacher who doesn’t know the program or the forms and draw the process out getting every other thing I say, translated properly? Do I look for Spanish classes to enroll in today? Yes. But how does that help this mother and this son.
Sometimes I feel that we make what we say we do bigger than what we do. I think I’m doing as good a job as anyone else. But i remain to be convinced as to whether or not I am doing a good enough job.
Problem solving. Go to my supervisor. “Have you ever enrolled a Spanish speaking family?: “How am I going to make this work beyond enrollment?” Move on to his supervisor. “We’ll pull in someone. Do you want to enroll this family or not?”
“Yes. I think they could benefit from the services. I’m just concerned of how appropriate they will end up being, me not speaking Spanish.”
“You can speak some Spanish can’t you.”
“Yes and I could probably get by but… what if I’m missing things?”
“Well you can take someone with you when you don’t think they’re getting it and it’s that important. There’s a whole bunch of people speak Spanish in Home Based.”
“Yeah, but that’s the thing. If you’re missing something your missing it.”
“all right. You can take Adriana with you. She’s in this neighborhood so I can make sure she’s available.”
“Every time that I meet with them?”
“every time you meet with them.”
“okay, but I’ma hold you to that!”
“You hold me to that Miss KJ!”
“And I’ll be you’re witness.”
“can I get a witness in her!” ….
Social work.
So then… one day I’ll be fluent. And watch me get a Vietnamese family.
but now we're down to two hours and 15 minutes. with three more problems to solve. at least.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
unCerTaiNty (the young life of a social change dreamer)
thought i was a rebel but i'm not so......
sure
got no action to show for it
dreams' r still there, big as can be
millions for evry ide'
but i's a long hard road i see comin' on
with more years to succeed than i eva' agreed
don't know what to do
but juggle 'n wait 'n walk on slow
my thoughts running miles ahead
findin' myself wantin to jump lives
and be where i thought i might...
get
wonder how it was for those out in front
if they ever thought that they could or if they just.....
diD.
sure
got no action to show for it
dreams' r still there, big as can be
millions for evry ide'
but i's a long hard road i see comin' on
with more years to succeed than i eva' agreed
don't know what to do
but juggle 'n wait 'n walk on slow
my thoughts running miles ahead
findin' myself wantin to jump lives
and be where i thought i might...
get
wonder how it was for those out in front
if they ever thought that they could or if they just.....
diD.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Grandpa's kiss
Grandpa,
we blew you a kiss
with our kissable lips,
Grandma and I
'cause we loved you
oh...
we cried on the day
that you passed away
and now that you're gone
the pain lingers on
so...
when the lightest of words
hold the deepest of hurts
we'll blow you a kiss
'cause we miss you
but...
as the days follow on
tripping one after one
we'll remember for sure
how lucky we were
and...
Blow you a kiss
with our kissable lips
Grandma and I
'cause we love you
we blew you a kiss
with our kissable lips,
Grandma and I
'cause we loved you
oh...
we cried on the day
that you passed away
and now that you're gone
the pain lingers on
so...
when the lightest of words
hold the deepest of hurts
we'll blow you a kiss
'cause we miss you
but...
as the days follow on
tripping one after one
we'll remember for sure
how lucky we were
and...
Blow you a kiss
with our kissable lips
Grandma and I
'cause we love you
Sunday, January 20, 2008
senses of the waking feeler
the sky, visible through rattling panes seemed grey somehow. yet she could see the moon, a dull yellow orb floating in the darkening abyss. and despite the dropping temperatures outside, the breeze drifting over her exposed skin left only a coolness. she shifted. her dog stretched and nuzzled her forehead. forced to it through sickness she'd spent most of the afternoon napping. first on the couch and then on the floor where she could stretch out. there was a reaching-out-to-life calmness in waking with the animals, she thought. light spilled over the bar and into the hallway from the kitchenette. the only light dusting the shadows of the soft corners in her small apartment. dual senses permeated her being as waives, swelling and receding. there was a serenity of simple appreciation amidst the brutal callusing pain of life's too ofteness.
Friday, January 11, 2008
they sky defines us
there are times when i believe that we define the sky. times when i believe "the sky's the limit" because there is so much space there in which to define ourselves. an endless slate to fill with me. something blank to stand out against. but the truth finds me on a day filled with pettyness that runs me ragid between frantic and frenzy. a day that filled me to the brink 3 hours before quitting time. and i can't breathe anymore i must get out. no, no, no too fast, too much, too many, too often, too headless. even to slow the tide i need to slow myself. from paperwork! computer! e-mails! committees! needs! telephone! messages! offices! office space! undone work! piles of notes! stacks of notes! incomplete notes! supervisor! clients! children! teachers! too many commitments buzzing! buzzing!!!!
i... need ... to ... breathe...
i don't grab my coat. the cold air needs to wake me to calmness. out the door and... my heartbeat can be felt again.
beneath all the business it's rythm subtley begins to be felt again.
a breeze whips briskly over old snowdrifts and frozen brown ground.
dusky bare branches reach for life to the crowning glory of inspiration.
although distinclty different i cannot tell where the sky ends and some clouds begin.
a mass of colors from subtle hues of grays and blues to ebony and brilliant pink. i think. i can think... again.
it knows no time, no boundry, no end and yet it knows everything. it is expansive, ever-changing, ever complete. it grounds me from above by drawing me up. it tells me not where to go, but that i know where to go. not what to do, but that i know what to do. not who i am, but that i know who i am.
i... need ... to ... breathe...
i don't grab my coat. the cold air needs to wake me to calmness. out the door and... my heartbeat can be felt again.
beneath all the business it's rythm subtley begins to be felt again.
a breeze whips briskly over old snowdrifts and frozen brown ground.
dusky bare branches reach for life to the crowning glory of inspiration.
although distinclty different i cannot tell where the sky ends and some clouds begin.
a mass of colors from subtle hues of grays and blues to ebony and brilliant pink. i think. i can think... again.
it knows no time, no boundry, no end and yet it knows everything. it is expansive, ever-changing, ever complete. it grounds me from above by drawing me up. it tells me not where to go, but that i know where to go. not what to do, but that i know what to do. not who i am, but that i know who i am.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
game night
last night was game night at Qui-Qui's (aka Marquita).
it started at 8:00.
at 5:30 i was decorating cookies i'm sending my dad for christmas (yes i know it's january...)
i thought, hmmm.... i should invite chris. I didn't think i had his number in my phone so i checked. i did. hmmm... i couldn't press send.
i called sue. "hey, are ya'll going to Quita's game night?"
"of course!"
.... pause.... "should i invite chris?"
"yes."
"umm... okay."
"you knew i would say yes. why did you call to ask me that?"
"uh... I DON'T KNOW!?!?"
____
i pulled up next to Jo on accident. he was still in the car, but got out when i walked by. I gave him a hug.
he said, "hey, where's Chris?"
me, laughing "i don't know!?! i left him a message"
"oh, he never called you back?"
"nah"
__
we got inside, pizza, guac and chips, soda... all the good junk food. i brought chocolates. Sue pulled them out of my bag and started right in ... "oooh i love ghiradelli's!"
Jordan "can i have one?"
me: "no i just really brought them for myself to eat. i thought you all could watch ;)"
Jordan: "well, too bad cause i'm taking some!"
and then games of course, apples to apples, speed uno. it was tons of fun! and then some new guys came. well adam i knew. "hey adam, what's up?"
Jodel introducing everyone. when he got to me: "and this is my white friend kjersti. she's half danish half black."
Tasha piped in, "white on the skin, BLACK WITHIN!!"
ain't nobody like Tasha, she cracks me up!
Jodel continuing... "and this is "gloves". everybody busted up laughing at that. cause Porschi ain't neva goin' live down the time she suggested we name the signing team "white gloves in motion".
then for the grand finale "Taboo"!
and please tell me why my team took half the time to get meat balls?!?
and then jodel tried to blame it on me "i was stuck on the long white things"
"no, no! you can not put that on me. when ya'll said 'spaghetti' and 'meat' i said 'yes, round brown meat things in in spaghetti.' how you goin' tell me HOT DOGS!!! "
JO: "okay, okay, okay..."
he did good though, he got us six in one turn...
it was good times.
it started at 8:00.
at 5:30 i was decorating cookies i'm sending my dad for christmas (yes i know it's january...)
i thought, hmmm.... i should invite chris. I didn't think i had his number in my phone so i checked. i did. hmmm... i couldn't press send.
i called sue. "hey, are ya'll going to Quita's game night?"
"of course!"
.... pause.... "should i invite chris?"
"yes."
"umm... okay."
"you knew i would say yes. why did you call to ask me that?"
"uh... I DON'T KNOW!?!?"
____
i pulled up next to Jo on accident. he was still in the car, but got out when i walked by. I gave him a hug.
he said, "hey, where's Chris?"
me, laughing "i don't know!?! i left him a message"
"oh, he never called you back?"
"nah"
__
we got inside, pizza, guac and chips, soda... all the good junk food. i brought chocolates. Sue pulled them out of my bag and started right in ... "oooh i love ghiradelli's!"
Jordan "can i have one?"
me: "no i just really brought them for myself to eat. i thought you all could watch ;)"
Jordan: "well, too bad cause i'm taking some!"
and then games of course, apples to apples, speed uno. it was tons of fun! and then some new guys came. well adam i knew. "hey adam, what's up?"
Jodel introducing everyone. when he got to me: "and this is my white friend kjersti. she's half danish half black."
Tasha piped in, "white on the skin, BLACK WITHIN!!"
ain't nobody like Tasha, she cracks me up!
Jodel continuing... "and this is "gloves". everybody busted up laughing at that. cause Porschi ain't neva goin' live down the time she suggested we name the signing team "white gloves in motion".
then for the grand finale "Taboo"!
and please tell me why my team took half the time to get meat balls?!?
and then jodel tried to blame it on me "i was stuck on the long white things"
"no, no! you can not put that on me. when ya'll said 'spaghetti' and 'meat' i said 'yes, round brown meat things in in spaghetti.' how you goin' tell me HOT DOGS!!! "
JO: "okay, okay, okay..."
he did good though, he got us six in one turn...
it was good times.
a rhyme that popped into my head because it happened...
i dropped my tea bag on my toe.
that made me laugh, you know.
that made me laugh, you know.
ideologies
it's funny. but as old friendships seek renewal i only find that some of the people i used to admire the most now seem entirely uninteresting. seeing old friends i realize how much they haven't changed and how much i have. it's a panoramic view of metamorphasized orientation to life. i don't mind. and i wonder how they could have lingered for so long on the same track.
i am the same. moody, emotional, passionate, alternately shy and demanding with more than my share of attitude, abated only by an obsessive desire to understand, understand people, and life and... life.
and sure, they've grown too. thier lives have changed, they've new identities,new jobs, new relationships and experiences and expectations. but they see it all with the same lens.
and that's one, i just cant stand. i started looking over the lense, and around it, and under it until one day i realized i spent more time out than in and just let it drop altogether.
in this moment dreary of reflection i find myself taken with Hindu ideas of reincarnation. the idea that you begin over and over and over again suddenly is full of appeal. the idea that you eventually cease to exist in a state of nonbeing, inclusive exclusivity becomes sensuously attractive. in these moments when life seems as pointless as it sometimes does i disdain christianity's lateral end. it seems impossibly narrow minded. there are other things i like, but today my mind wanders differnt corridors and i don't wish to bring them up.
i am the same. moody, emotional, passionate, alternately shy and demanding with more than my share of attitude, abated only by an obsessive desire to understand, understand people, and life and... life.
and sure, they've grown too. thier lives have changed, they've new identities,new jobs, new relationships and experiences and expectations. but they see it all with the same lens.
and that's one, i just cant stand. i started looking over the lense, and around it, and under it until one day i realized i spent more time out than in and just let it drop altogether.
in this moment dreary of reflection i find myself taken with Hindu ideas of reincarnation. the idea that you begin over and over and over again suddenly is full of appeal. the idea that you eventually cease to exist in a state of nonbeing, inclusive exclusivity becomes sensuously attractive. in these moments when life seems as pointless as it sometimes does i disdain christianity's lateral end. it seems impossibly narrow minded. there are other things i like, but today my mind wanders differnt corridors and i don't wish to bring them up.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
it's almost eleven.
sometimes words just frustrate me. i'm tagging between sublimity and something malcontent.
my dad called on my way up the stairs. i answered already agitated.
"hi"
"so what's the news?"
"... i don't know..." (sounding bored and annoyed at his idea of a good way to start a conversation)
"you sound out of breath."
"i just climbed the stairs."
"and that makes you out of breath"
"Dad, what the hell's your problem?!"
"no problem. hi-hi"
call ended 45 seconds. call ended 45 seconds.
i close the phone.
__
my brother sent me black house slippers for christmas. at first i didn't think they would fit. but then i started wearing them and they do. they're nice. and soft. i needed house slippers.
__
my cat decides when to be friends with my dog. Makeena wants her for a playmate all the time. Chuweikah is on the couch hissing and clawing every time Makeena gets near. Makeena circles, and pounces on nearby space, backs away, then crawls closer whining and finally turns to me poking a dissapointed nose in my lap. I refill her Kong with peanut butter. She is happy.
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I e-mail my good friend emily. her mom is like my aunt. i love them. i belong. in an easy way. because that's how they make it. and i accept it.
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I love my sister. she has discovered good will. she loves it. earlier she called to say she was buying me stuff. did i need more black. "girl you know I need more black!" I have two black outfits and they're always deciding to wear black for choir. "yes, yes, but I always forget what you have". i love my sister. she makes me laugh. she is not my sister. she is my best friend and my room mate from college. but that doesn't matter, she's my sister.
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there are four "wine" bottles in my windowsill. They are waiting to be recycled. i take pictures of them. Makeena tries to help. some turn out wiggley. I think it's pretty. i decide I want chai tea. I put on the kettle. it begins to whistle. I put the tea bag in, creamer and suger, mmmm... i relax in my chair sipping the hot drink... apparently my cat has a new hobby. climing on my shoulder. she is purring. it's not so comfortable for me ;). i take pictures of it. my attempts make me laugh.
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it's almost elleven. I started writing before nine. I wonder where the time has gone. I've been thinking. the reason I started to write. what am i doing with my life? where am I going? am i wasting my time or am i learning? I am happy. but something driving inside me tells me that's not enough.
the world needs more. sooo much more.
my dad called on my way up the stairs. i answered already agitated.
"hi"
"so what's the news?"
"... i don't know..." (sounding bored and annoyed at his idea of a good way to start a conversation)
"you sound out of breath."
"i just climbed the stairs."
"and that makes you out of breath"
"Dad, what the hell's your problem?!"
"no problem. hi-hi"
call ended 45 seconds. call ended 45 seconds.
i close the phone.
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my brother sent me black house slippers for christmas. at first i didn't think they would fit. but then i started wearing them and they do. they're nice. and soft. i needed house slippers.
__
my cat decides when to be friends with my dog. Makeena wants her for a playmate all the time. Chuweikah is on the couch hissing and clawing every time Makeena gets near. Makeena circles, and pounces on nearby space, backs away, then crawls closer whining and finally turns to me poking a dissapointed nose in my lap. I refill her Kong with peanut butter. She is happy.
__
I e-mail my good friend emily. her mom is like my aunt. i love them. i belong. in an easy way. because that's how they make it. and i accept it.
__
I love my sister. she has discovered good will. she loves it. earlier she called to say she was buying me stuff. did i need more black. "girl you know I need more black!" I have two black outfits and they're always deciding to wear black for choir. "yes, yes, but I always forget what you have". i love my sister. she makes me laugh. she is not my sister. she is my best friend and my room mate from college. but that doesn't matter, she's my sister.
__
there are four "wine" bottles in my windowsill. They are waiting to be recycled. i take pictures of them. Makeena tries to help. some turn out wiggley. I think it's pretty. i decide I want chai tea. I put on the kettle. it begins to whistle. I put the tea bag in, creamer and suger, mmmm... i relax in my chair sipping the hot drink... apparently my cat has a new hobby. climing on my shoulder. she is purring. it's not so comfortable for me ;). i take pictures of it. my attempts make me laugh.
__
it's almost elleven. I started writing before nine. I wonder where the time has gone. I've been thinking. the reason I started to write. what am i doing with my life? where am I going? am i wasting my time or am i learning? I am happy. but something driving inside me tells me that's not enough.
the world needs more. sooo much more.
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