they sky defines us

there are times when i believe that we define the sky. times when i believe "the sky's the limit" because there is so much space there in which to define ourselves. an endless slate to fill with me. something blank to stand out against. but the truth finds me on a day filled with pettyness that runs me ragid between frantic and frenzy. a day that filled me to the brink 3 hours before quitting time. and i can't breathe anymore i must get out. no, no, no too fast, too much, too many, too often, too headless. even to slow the tide i need to slow myself. from paperwork! computer! e-mails! committees! needs! telephone! messages! offices! office space! undone work! piles of notes! stacks of notes! incomplete notes! supervisor! clients! children! teachers! too many commitments buzzing! buzzing!!!!
i... need ... to ... breathe...

i don't grab my coat. the cold air needs to wake me to calmness. out the door and... my heartbeat can be felt again.

beneath all the business it's rythm subtley begins to be felt again.

a breeze whips briskly over old snowdrifts and frozen brown ground.

dusky bare branches reach for life to the crowning glory of inspiration.

although distinclty different i cannot tell where the sky ends and some clouds begin.

a mass of colors from subtle hues of grays and blues to ebony and brilliant pink. i think. i can think... again.

it knows no time, no boundry, no end and yet it knows everything. it is expansive, ever-changing, ever complete. it grounds me from above by drawing me up. it tells me not where to go, but that i know where to go. not what to do, but that i know what to do. not who i am, but that i know who i am.

game night

last night was game night at Qui-Qui's (aka Marquita).
it started at 8:00.

at 5:30 i was decorating cookies i'm sending my dad for christmas (yes i know it's january...)

i thought, hmmm.... i should invite chris. I didn't think i had his number in my phone so i checked. i did. hmmm... i couldn't press send.

i called sue. "hey, are ya'll going to Quita's game night?"

"of course!"

.... pause.... "should i invite chris?"

"yes."

"umm... okay."

"you knew i would say yes. why did you call to ask me that?"

"uh... I DON'T KNOW!?!?"
____


i pulled up next to Jo on accident. he was still in the car, but got out when i walked by. I gave him a hug.

he said, "hey, where's Chris?"

me, laughing "i don't know!?! i left him a message"

"oh, he never called you back?"

"nah"

__

we got inside, pizza, guac and chips, soda... all the good junk food. i brought chocolates. Sue pulled them out of my bag and started right in ... "oooh i love ghiradelli's!"

Jordan "can i have one?"

me: "no i just really brought them for myself to eat. i thought you all could watch ;)"

Jordan: "well, too bad cause i'm taking some!"

and then games of course, apples to apples, speed uno. it was tons of fun! and then some new guys came. well adam i knew. "hey adam, what's up?"

Jodel introducing everyone. when he got to me: "and this is my white friend kjersti. she's half danish half black."

Tasha piped in, "white on the skin, BLACK WITHIN!!"

ain't nobody like Tasha, she cracks me up!

Jodel continuing... "and this is "gloves". everybody busted up laughing at that. cause Porschi ain't neva goin' live down the time she suggested we name the signing team "white gloves in motion".

then for the grand finale "Taboo"!

and please tell me why my team took half the time to get meat balls?!?

and then jodel tried to blame it on me "i was stuck on the long white things"

"no, no! you can not put that on me. when ya'll said 'spaghetti' and 'meat' i said 'yes, round brown meat things in in spaghetti.' how you goin' tell me HOT DOGS!!! "

JO: "okay, okay, okay..."

he did good though, he got us six in one turn...

it was good times.

a rhyme that popped into my head because it happened...

i dropped my tea bag on my toe.
that made me laugh, you know.

ideologies

it's funny. but as old friendships seek renewal i only find that some of the people i used to admire the most now seem entirely uninteresting. seeing old friends i realize how much they haven't changed and how much i have. it's a panoramic view of metamorphasized orientation to life. i don't mind. and i wonder how they could have lingered for so long on the same track.

i am the same. moody, emotional, passionate, alternately shy and demanding with more than my share of attitude, abated only by an obsessive desire to understand, understand people, and life and... life.

and sure, they've grown too. thier lives have changed, they've new identities,new jobs, new relationships and experiences and expectations. but they see it all with the same lens.

and that's one, i just cant stand. i started looking over the lense, and around it, and under it until one day i realized i spent more time out than in and just let it drop altogether.

in this moment dreary of reflection i find myself taken with Hindu ideas of reincarnation. the idea that you begin over and over and over again suddenly is full of appeal. the idea that you eventually cease to exist in a state of nonbeing, inclusive exclusivity becomes sensuously attractive. in these moments when life seems as pointless as it sometimes does i disdain christianity's lateral end. it seems impossibly narrow minded. there are other things i like, but today my mind wanders differnt corridors and i don't wish to bring them up.