i keep to myself

I keep to myself
I keep to myself because we live in a World where one in three women is molested,
assaulted or raped.
Where history has taught us that a woman who “sleeps around” is “soiled” and the
men who rise from her bed, it seems, leave the dirt there.
I keep to myself because we live in a World where “slut” is a slur and “pimp” an
accolade.
Where men “need what they need” and women “better put out”.
Where my body is measured by its sexual desirability and I by my body.
I keep to myself because we live in a World where the “eye of the beholder” is the naked
glare of lust in a spotlight I’m expected to enjoy
Where my pain is kept raw by the politically correct indifference of the masses,
men and women alike
Where no touch is sacred and the girl next door has a story like mine.
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i did write this on scratch paper in the car several weeks ago. but it made me sad.

the flowing out

The other night I drowned my phone in the toilet. My phone is my watch. And my alarm clock.
Every day almost I leave work at lunch, drive my car around the corner. Leave the radio on while I eat. And then take a nap. Today I came back 15 minutes early because I was afraid of being late. So now I have a couple of minutes I’m determined to keep and a computer with internet. I don’t have internet hooked up yet in my apartment.

I’ve been on a writing fast for apparently months now. I’ve been so busy. Busier than I’ve ever been in my life. Happier too. But also lonlier. The lonelieness isn’t from being alone. It’s from being single. Probably because I’ve been so close to my best friend and her husband. And so involved with social justice (finally!) and their church. And there’s work of course. I think all the closeness makes me want more.

Partly California is calling me. The flavor of the place in all its natural ugliness. That’s what I miss. But not to visit. Somehow I have no desire for that. I love the people there, in a broken way, but I’ve always been one to move on when I move on. the landscape is beautiful here, and the people bland. i traded one for the other i guess. that's in general. nothing personal. just the culture... people say things like "i'm a colorado native". which makes me laugh because there's nothing native about them... and the diversity that exists is well hidden and the white people aren't afraid of the black people here. they'll look you up and down and think they're better on their way by. subee and i were talking about that...

And school is calling me. Definitely. Two weeks into my new job I was in a meeting when I suddenly felt ready for the returning to school. I’ll always be a student at heart. So then maybe one year of work will do for now.

My soul has fed as the words poured out. My hands and heart have missed the feel of them flowing. I’ll not loose myself in business as long as I write. This has reminded me.