and them i wish to tell

A thought out of nowhere took me back.
OCO. The OC Supertones. Laurel Higbee. God was that even their name? It was so long ago. 8th grade. Googled it, OC Super…tones. Yest it was! I can’t believe I remembered that. Ska. 3-piece-suit. Essence of Nard. LOL. what memories. What a traumatic time in my life. Molestation. Echos of rape. Abuse. Hate. Hope. Clutching at straws… I didn’t know how traumatized I was then. Resiliency research seeks to explain… but now the thought of then shakes me up… and amidst the swirling fears moments of religious exploration and loves sought and loves lost. And making do and scraping by and making a statement. I think that’s why I wanted to re-know Nick so much. A good connection to a bad but desperate time that I’ve left but can’t lose. That and I was in love with him. But what did I know about love?... he was right. And I was right. And now I’m nothing to resemble then, but have the stories still. And them I wish to tell.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_O.C._Supertones

seeing it on tv

the world should stop every time someone get's raped. there is nothing you can do to make it better, to make it go away. you are forever alone again. hold me. the darkness is cold.
you know i always thought i just had strong reactions, but i think it's the ptsd (past) getting triggered. there is no privacy from the inside of me. and the vulnerability is overwhelming. needing me to hide what i don't even know
and it always comes back up.
and it always comes back up.
and it always comes back up.
and it always comes back up.
and it always comes back up.
and it always comes back up.
and it always comes back up.
and it always comes back up.

i don't want to hold my son when i feel this way. i don't want to expose him. i carry a dangerous disease of lust and power and evil and stripping someone of the safety in who they are. lest you reach through me and touch my baby with this vile curse of your insanity