with time, if only in my memory

It's strange to think of what matters in life. what strings the day to day together. what you believe matters one minute is so subject to change and circumstance. nothing grew me more than becoming a mother. perhaps because i did it on my own. my sister pulled herself away for reasons i struggle to comprehend and will likely never accept. The gulf between my circumstances and the beliefs which had lead me there and those of my extended family widened as the proof grew inside me. In my belly and my attitude. conservative christians for the most part and wildly liberal agnostic born from the christian culture. they could have believed my thoughts closer to theirs until the moment i shared the big news. and i was all to aware of it. few acted out the strangeness, but i knew i had proven the distance, and i felt the solitude. my badly wanted, pre-marriage, "surprise" baby. He became the turn in the road for me. the point at which i must begin to act out my beliefs. i was never false to them, but with him and the great responsibility of birthing, loving and raising a child i realized i must speak where, once, had just listened.
i am anxious of the hour. resentful that sleep alludes me in my deepest exhaustion. i want someone to blame. every moment of un-necesary wakefulness becomes sleep lost forever in my never rested parent-of-a-young-child brain. the truth is i have been tireder. it's the isolation that haunts me. and i resent it, for existing, for everyone who is distant, for keeping me awake while my son and husband slumber. it's okay though, it will take time, but this bump too, will smooth, if only in my memory.