the other side

i know it's not your only name. i do.
i'm sorry when i think of you
in terms of only the evil
you have spilled into mo life.
i hate that. i do.
but i don't hate you. all the time...
if i could enter your life in any other way,
i'd lift you up, if i could. i would.
you're not only a rapist, a criminal, a violator.
you may also be a father, brother, friend.
you may be that too. it's true.

so my latest discovery is Doo wop. i'm taken by it.

rapist, child molester, evil

this emptiness
this loneliness
this longing to belong
i'll carry it to my grave
because of what you've done

this twisted pain
this self loathing,
this hollow memory
living acid to my soul
because of what you've done

fucking, shithead bastard!

i hope your dick falls off and shatters into a million pieces
like my security, identity and the life i should have had.

[this empty]

it's late. and i don't want to dwell on the things that make me sad. and not feel like i matter. why does my foster sister look at me and say jokingly, with a calus anger beneath it, "what have you done to my room?" b/c there's ants in it. even though i've explained to her that there's ants everyhere that dont' seem to be getting at anything in particular it's just that season i guess. and now i lie awake next to her, unable to sleep b/c she likes to sleep so still, and with the covers a certain way and i have to stay in the corner of the bed so i don't bump into her and make her mad. b/c the reality is, it's her bed, in her room, in her parents house. and i'm just an adition. and even though i love them for letting me stay here, for so long, when i had nowhere really to go. deep down inside i wish it could have been my room too. and doesn't she realize that's how i feel? and what does this have to do with being molested and thought of a piece of meat? and the empty, meaningless pain in my stomache? and wishing i was already away in colorado with my "sister" and "brother" b/c with them i am just family. i'll take a day to cry when i get there. and it suddenly seems so far away.

I love what you have given me and everything you are

i love what you have given me and everything you are. i love how you love the fight and the game you play to make a difference in peoples' lives. i love asking what your words mean when i don't know. how you answer because you ca.re you're explanations are fabulous. you make me feel smarter for having asked. I love telling you how romantic melodies pull me away from reason into the folly i call lovely. and that you accept it because it's part of the way i am beautiful. i love that you see that, even as you return reason like a gift. i love that when i swear "well that's a cheap answer!" your chagrin clearly states "well that's what they say" and i know you don't believe it either. i love the way you challenge my half cooked theories like they're brilliant and show me why they don't work. i love that frankness never bother's you. that you'd hate me to feel the need to measure my words with you. i love never knowing what you're thinking until you say it. i love how you ask after a lengthy explanation, "does that make sense or am i bullshitting you?" i love the the freedom to say "you're bullshitting me" if i thought so, even though i never do. i love the passion you can't hold back when you get into your groove on a hot topic (ie social justice issue), almost daring me to disagree with you. but i just soak it in with a half smile and pools of quiet eyes. because i love that about you. i love that you watch me leave with so much care in your eyes that the warmth carries with me for days. i love your unspoken pride in me. i love what you have given me, and everything you are. you are an authentic life to me, or as close as anyone's ever going to get. you'll prove that over the years i bet. i hope we get that chance. time is so fickle you know. and place and destiny even worse...

two many midnights for a night

it's coming around to midnight again. at 2am.
and i feel it.
as though i knew what life should be, tomorrow. and the day after.
as though i knew what the right decisions would be.
but sometimes you just have to take one.
and live it.
and then see that it was somehow right.
or not.
but i still say
it depends at least as much on how you do the decisions you make as the making itself.
today i made plans, and laid plans and hoped they were right.
and tried to still the whirring in my head about the future.
but it all came to nothing as midnight came to midnight and still midnight yet again. at two am.