Thursday, June 28, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
on keeping friendships
"he'll write", i tell myself.
but what if i was wrong? what if i misunderstood? what if i don't have a right? what if i'm... pathetic?
i wish i didn't care as much. wish i wasn't so damn sensitive. wish i didn't love him.
wish i didn't wish he lived next door and I had endless hours to spend just being around him.
wish i could close the curtain on my soul. wish i never made mistakes.
i called my sista.
sue: "hello?"
me: "he has a girlfriend."
sue: "What! ...why didn't he tell you?"
me: "i don't know."
sue: "hey jo, .....has a girlfriend"
jo: "Fuck! it's probably some damn white girl!"
sue: "hahahaha, jo, kajee's white."
jo: ... something uninteligable...
sue: "i know you didn't mean that, it's a compliment, it means you don't think of her as white"
sue: (to me, again) "i'm sorry kajee, that sucks. how did he tell you?"
me: "he just slipped it in the conversation like '...this girl i'm dating, her dad's...; and then continuing with the conversation. to be honest i kind of lost him for a second in the shock. i was like, 'god i hope he can't read the dissapointment in my eyes'".
sue: "damn! well, maybe they're just dating and he doesn't consider her his girlfriend".
me: "maybe. doesn't matter though, i'm still going to have to get over it, i can't hope forever and i still want him for a friend."
sue: "you sure do, you can't just wait for him to change his mind. does he know who we are? you haven't shown him pictures have you?"
me: "yeah, well just one of you guys. of course i did."
sue: "damn it!"
me: "why, what were you going to do?"
sue: "nothing, i was just going to say, too bad for him, guess he'll never get to know us."
me: "you have such a big head. okay, well i better go, i know you aint got no minutes left. tell jo, i said 'thanks for cussing him out, it made me feel better, anyways.'" [even though i don't think he deserved it]
sue: "i will. I'm sorry kajee, i love you! we're giving you hugs k!"
me: "thanks, i love you too. bye"
sue: "bye, kajee"
"well, either he will or he won't" i tell myself. and somehow stating the obvious like it bodes some secret blessing makes me feel just a little bit better.
but what if i was wrong? what if i misunderstood? what if i don't have a right? what if i'm... pathetic?
i wish i didn't care as much. wish i wasn't so damn sensitive. wish i didn't love him.
wish i didn't wish he lived next door and I had endless hours to spend just being around him.
wish i could close the curtain on my soul. wish i never made mistakes.
i called my sista.
sue: "hello?"
me: "he has a girlfriend."
sue: "What! ...why didn't he tell you?"
me: "i don't know."
sue: "hey jo, .....has a girlfriend"
jo: "Fuck! it's probably some damn white girl!"
sue: "hahahaha, jo, kajee's white."
jo: ... something uninteligable...
sue: "i know you didn't mean that, it's a compliment, it means you don't think of her as white"
sue: (to me, again) "i'm sorry kajee, that sucks. how did he tell you?"
me: "he just slipped it in the conversation like '...this girl i'm dating, her dad's...; and then continuing with the conversation. to be honest i kind of lost him for a second in the shock. i was like, 'god i hope he can't read the dissapointment in my eyes'".
sue: "damn! well, maybe they're just dating and he doesn't consider her his girlfriend".
me: "maybe. doesn't matter though, i'm still going to have to get over it, i can't hope forever and i still want him for a friend."
sue: "you sure do, you can't just wait for him to change his mind. does he know who we are? you haven't shown him pictures have you?"
me: "yeah, well just one of you guys. of course i did."
sue: "damn it!"
me: "why, what were you going to do?"
sue: "nothing, i was just going to say, too bad for him, guess he'll never get to know us."
me: "you have such a big head. okay, well i better go, i know you aint got no minutes left. tell jo, i said 'thanks for cussing him out, it made me feel better, anyways.'" [even though i don't think he deserved it]
sue: "i will. I'm sorry kajee, i love you! we're giving you hugs k!"
me: "thanks, i love you too. bye"
sue: "bye, kajee"
"well, either he will or he won't" i tell myself. and somehow stating the obvious like it bodes some secret blessing makes me feel just a little bit better.
drifter
i'm back home in a house i've never been before.
because there's family here that's like family, even if it's not mine.
and they know how to just let you in and be one of them. that's rare.
all the things, i recognize and the dog knew me. because i used to live with them. and many times still be with them. and sometimes forget that i can be. this is for the homeless ones to understand. who float from life to life and weave in and out of the stories of others trying to find thier own.
i wonder. are we allowed to forget how we have been loved just because we remember how we haven't been? because i do, sometimes. and when i remember it makes me happy sad. melancholy. drifter that i am.
because there's family here that's like family, even if it's not mine.
and they know how to just let you in and be one of them. that's rare.
all the things, i recognize and the dog knew me. because i used to live with them. and many times still be with them. and sometimes forget that i can be. this is for the homeless ones to understand. who float from life to life and weave in and out of the stories of others trying to find thier own.
i wonder. are we allowed to forget how we have been loved just because we remember how we haven't been? because i do, sometimes. and when i remember it makes me happy sad. melancholy. drifter that i am.
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