"he'll write", i tell myself.
but what if i was wrong? what if i misunderstood? what if i don't have a right? what if i'm... pathetic?
i wish i didn't care as much. wish i wasn't so damn sensitive. wish i didn't love him.
wish i didn't wish he lived next door and I had endless hours to spend just being around him.
wish i could close the curtain on my soul. wish i never made mistakes.
i called my sista.
sue: "hello?"
me: "he has a girlfriend."
sue: "What! ...why didn't he tell you?"
me: "i don't know."
sue: "hey jo, .....has a girlfriend"
jo: "Fuck! it's probably some damn white girl!"
sue: "hahahaha, jo, kajee's white."
jo: ... something uninteligable...
sue: "i know you didn't mean that, it's a compliment, it means you don't think of her as white"
sue: (to me, again) "i'm sorry kajee, that sucks. how did he tell you?"
me: "he just slipped it in the conversation like '...this girl i'm dating, her dad's...; and then continuing with the conversation. to be honest i kind of lost him for a second in the shock. i was like, 'god i hope he can't read the dissapointment in my eyes'".
sue: "damn! well, maybe they're just dating and he doesn't consider her his girlfriend".
me: "maybe. doesn't matter though, i'm still going to have to get over it, i can't hope forever and i still want him for a friend."
sue: "you sure do, you can't just wait for him to change his mind. does he know who we are? you haven't shown him pictures have you?"
me: "yeah, well just one of you guys. of course i did."
sue: "damn it!"
me: "why, what were you going to do?"
sue: "nothing, i was just going to say, too bad for him, guess he'll never get to know us."
me: "you have such a big head. okay, well i better go, i know you aint got no minutes left. tell jo, i said 'thanks for cussing him out, it made me feel better, anyways.'" [even though i don't think he deserved it]
sue: "i will. I'm sorry kajee, i love you! we're giving you hugs k!"
me: "thanks, i love you too. bye"
sue: "bye, kajee"
"well, either he will or he won't" i tell myself. and somehow stating the obvious like it bodes some secret blessing makes me feel just a little bit better.
