grieving and questioning and not knowing what to say or do

I can only think so much. I'm tired of fighting. I'm not seeking out that you should feel guilty. you have had a crazy year. but what do you have to forgive me for? having a baby you didn't think I should in a way you didn't envision? well it was my life. and it was my baby. and i was ready. and we were ready. and where were you? suddenly you treated us like you barely knew us. You were the first people we told. and you didn't care. you can say you did all you want but it will never FEEL like you did. you threw a last minute baby shower and didn't really do either of the two things i asked for. invite the men too, or encourage people to help with the stroller. you came the day he was born and never called or returned to the hospital or to our home for weeks. every time we should have met you came late and left early wrapped up in "prior engagements" you later disclosed weren't even really real. michelle had seen and interacted more with kristoffer than you in the first year of his life. when we followed a suggestion of yours and planned a weekend together in the mountains you refused to come b/c god forbid you might have to be around friends of yours and when they weren't coming anymore you had to work. you said yes to every church engagement that ever crossed your path and no to every attempt we made to get together. you were "unavailable" to help us move twice. once when I was vomiting the whole time but a month after my son was born you insisted we go help marquita move without invitation instead of god forbid just spend time with me and my son. most of the times we saw you we packed up our infant son and drove down because it's so much farther from denver to golden than golden to denver. i made every attempt i could to spend time with you, invite you in and encourage a relationship between you and kristoffer. but you stonewalled me. because you had decided to. i excused you and excused you and excused you until i couldn't any more. you know and have seen that we will do our best to support you every chance that we get. but the truth is i don't even think of you when i need something. unless i force myself too. and when i do, it's hit or miss whether you will come through fully or halfheartedly or at all. i expect something else will come up and too often i am right. you make decisions i disagree with all the time, but I've never pulled away from you. until now. because i'm hurt. and it's just one more thing to deal with. and i just don't know what i want. you're having revelations now i've had a million times over in the past two years. i'm not belittleing them i'm just saying you would have known that i had if you'd bothered to know me when i became a mom. i feel like you act childishly and selfishly when it comes to me. even now you refuse to acknowledge that i might actually know something about parenting and go out of you way to dismiss anything i may have thought or said to seek it out from everyone else. the reality is i already lost my best friend. i lost my best friend when you decided not to act like one during arguably the most important year and a half of my life. i want you back. i've missed you. but right now, in this moment in time. i'm sad because i've lost things i cared about for what i feel were stupid reasons and trying to be there for you is hard because it reminds me of how we just did this without you. and i don't know how to get over that, especially when you still don't let me in and you still don't show that you respect me or my thoughts or advice as a parent.