Last night i did a wise thing in a moment of foolish desire.
i was driving home from my foster family's feeling alone and troubled. My spirit restless wanting someone to talk to. But of the maybe 3 people who would have made the conversation meaningful no one was available. So i thought of my friend in tennessee. And let my voice poor everything out to him. And i didn't feel so alone in the dark humming interior of my little car skimming along over the black asphalt amidst a see of speeding taillights. Even though i was as alone as before. And my voice got hoarse.
But i was still listening to salsa and Reggaetón beats crackling off the stereo when i drew near school. and thought i wasn't done feeling like a tropical fish zipping, amid the sea of other night drivers and letting my feelings float like another free tide. So i called my brother still crippled up from his accident and recent surgery and asked him for directions to the beach. And drove on. Sometimes singing along to the familiar beats of my favorite station or laughing with the dj. And sometimes contemplating desperate fantasies with a ludicrous amount of sincerity. At some point i decided if i saw someone i liked, especially if they were alone i would walk up an ask them to have sex with me. It's my first time, please! why not on the beach with it's long stretches of blue sand and coal black waves where in the shadow no one, if they came along would give more than passing thought to a couple making love. There's no one to tell them i don't know you from adam, and if you happen to be a decent person it could be beautiful. If you could give me what i want, which is the experience on my own terms. But of course the chances of being able to randomly pick a lesbian or decent man out of the small happy gatherings, standing alone, were next to nothing. and yes i knew it was more likely to end in rape, aids and regret than anything else, so...
No more came of it as found myself at the end of the pier. For the first half hour at least fighting my fears of the dark swelling water's below and the people, mostly not in shadow behind me. I couldn't decide where to keep my back, and i kept looking over my shoulder. Until the corner emptied and that helped some, eliminating one side of uncertainty. The slowing rhythm of my heartbeat and evened breathing followed as my eyes and mind slowly adjusted to the few fisher people and occasional strollers and i began to see the beauty.
I saw my first wild seal, maybe sea lion weaving in and out of the shadow cast by the pier's lamplight chasing after flitting fish near the surface. I could see his fins slapping expert strokes in briny water and hear the distinctive wuffling of his breath and snorts while he dodged and dove and eventually disappeared. His form was huge. He was wild and amazing. He was free... and possibly a she. i felt as though i alone had been selected for enchantment and told no one. Were the sea lions and whales and dolphins really humans once who chose the ocean over land and life as our fallen race? Are there really sea-people? Mer men and maids?
I could have believed it for a while and as the last of the stragglers began to fade around eleven i began to sing. Songs of enchantment and sorrow willing the world around me to be filled with safety and peace, to be lovingly restored. Songs that tried to match the feelings of my heart to the words of our race. “...sea, black sea, rolling sea below, who do you fear, are you fearless?...”, “....swells, o swe-e-e-e-e-e-ells, who taught you to rise up as a wave and crash upon the shores of ma-an?...”, “out there over the waves, where black of sea, meets black of sky, do the stars dip in the salty spray? Does my soul find peace so far away?” i'll never remember more than a strain or two anything i sang and the melody may have been no more than a plagiarized conglomerate when it was on key, but still, i found release in them.
At last, i walked away. Occasionally stopping to lean against the rail and let my gaze drop away from the smooth, thick, dull, deeply grained planks. The ocean below looked as a moving black and white photograph. Dark swells like black satin rippling in the breeze, crested with lacy white foam, streaming after each wave like an intricately woven veil. There is breathtaking beauty in everything larger than life.
Reaching the end of the pier i turned off into the soft sand at the left. The clink of final dishes being cleared by waiters and busboys, pockets no doubt heavy with mother's day tips from their wealthy diners, met the open air behind me. and soft music escaped the nearly empty bar to follow me across the shore as my feet trod tentatively in the shifting sand. At last i stopped several paces from two couples dancing slowly by the dying embers of a glowing fire and a youngish child roasting a last marshmallow over the coals.
sitting alone on the ridged sand waves with my knees also tucked under the huge sweatshirt i contemplated how my night could have ended differently. I watched the steady golden lamps cast flickering orange streaks across the water. I felt the rush of waves striking the piers heavy pillars with a dull shudder. I heard the seals bark in the distance and a bird call from time to time rising over the steady rumble of the ocean falling on the shore and slipping silently back. I rose and let my body dance to the rhythm for a while before turning and heading back. Back across natures sand to my little green capsule to hum over the blackened streets to the city and her ways. Amidst a crowd of other people all alone in a sea of blinking lights and radio waves. Back to a life which leaves me no time to contemplate the meaning of life. Returning from a four hour detour on the way home last night i knew i had done a wise thing with a moment of foolish desire.
