[this empty]

it's late. and i don't want to dwell on the things that make me sad. and not feel like i matter. why does my foster sister look at me and say jokingly, with a calus anger beneath it, "what have you done to my room?" b/c there's ants in it. even though i've explained to her that there's ants everyhere that dont' seem to be getting at anything in particular it's just that season i guess. and now i lie awake next to her, unable to sleep b/c she likes to sleep so still, and with the covers a certain way and i have to stay in the corner of the bed so i don't bump into her and make her mad. b/c the reality is, it's her bed, in her room, in her parents house. and i'm just an adition. and even though i love them for letting me stay here, for so long, when i had nowhere really to go. deep down inside i wish it could have been my room too. and doesn't she realize that's how i feel? and what does this have to do with being molested and thought of a piece of meat? and the empty, meaningless pain in my stomache? and wishing i was already away in colorado with my "sister" and "brother" b/c with them i am just family. i'll take a day to cry when i get there. and it suddenly seems so far away.