I understand why people drink as i get older. I want to drink too sometimes. The more education you are helped too the worse it gets. How can you feel good about yourself when you look at the world around you? Look critically. Look sensitively? Shamelessly, if i do anything that's what it will be about, me. My own esteem. Because i'm driven to the brink of insanity by the reality i can't extract my conscience from. I search for a cause knowing the perfect one will never come and i simply have to pick. One of the many so badly needed. But it's heart breaking. Do i start from the ground up on something that's not being touched. Or do i assume a cause that has a better chance of at least making some greater difference? Trying to make myself feel better about who i am and the land, the skin, the life i was borne into. I have the tendency to dream about the things for which i long the most. It's because i get myself to sleep by imagining what i desire were true. Sometimes i wake up believing it. For a moment. A few nights ago i dreamed that i was black. Had literally borrowed someone's skin. Touched my head and exclaimed “my hair's nappy!!!” I was so happy. Couldn't have been happier. I thought finally i'll look how i feel. Knew looking in the woke up mirror glass it wasn't true... but then My friends used to braid my hair in high school. And then all the little white girls started doing it. Well, i was very involved with the kids and junior high at the time. But i'll never forget going into the grade school cafeteria for some reason and seeing all these little braided heads surround me, secured like mine with brightly colored beads and orthodontic rubber bands. I thought my god, what have i done! I'm brainwashing these kids! Should i be doing this at all? Am i trying to be black? Are they?!? see there were like 6 black kids at my school, i was friends with three of them. That's where i got the first beginnings of my ethnics education. having problematic conversations about how some black people got offended by white people saying stuff like “dude that's tight”or what was it,“dog” and “cool” in the same sentence? switching up words that came respectively from the black american community and what, white surfers??? and white ignorance. That's always a topic of hot debate, because racism ended in the 60's right? And i'm not racist just because i don't want to move into some “black community” by buying a house that's too cheap (like such a thing really exists in so-cal but that's a whole 'nother discussion). Oh, you mean a poor neighborhood. My bad, i thought they were the same thing. I hope you feel the sarcasm dripping off my tongue. but the sad thing is, that's a real conversation i had with my foster dad. (at least the essence as it ended up forming in my brain, though not all of it got said, quite in those words anyways) he advising my foster sister not to look too much into the houses below whatever range he said. Are you mad? Yeah, me too. If anything i'm saying is offensive to you, please, spit it out. Let's talk about it. How else can we learn about each other. I'm dumping the contents of my brain on page. Just upending the bowl and splat! this is like it is, unaltered and unpretty. So it might not reflect my true ideation, or that which i desire to hold at least. Or maybe it does and needs changing. But i think there's value in seeing how we think. Really think. Both for our own selves and those around us. We can more benefit each other in loving conversation that way. I think and hope. I'm proud of people who make a difference, even a small one conscientiously. I just don't know how to get myself there. I don't know what my block is. Though i take full responsibility for it and my subsequent silence, my stillness. This is my only voice right now, rather pathetic as it is. But i promise myself and i know i'm inching that way. Against all the unknown fear that keeps surfacing alongside the draw. But don't worry it won't last too long. I've never been one to shrink too long, or too far from whatever i don't like about myself, am uncomfortable with or fear. So if not today, tomorrow i guess. It's building.
this has been a cleansing of the brain.
