last night i was at the bridal shower of a beautiful young woman. she's marrying a highschool friend of mine and they make a handsome couple. there were several people there. family and friends. her bridal party. her dad who's known for his sentimentality and very sweet. they played games and ate food and people told stories about her and the groom. all the usual things, i guess.
and me, all i could think was there's no way in hell i'm ever doing this! (getting married, yes - if it's legal, but having a shower like that, fuck no!)
i couldn't help but feeling that there's something mildly ridiculous about the whole thing and i could never take it seriously. but mirth was only one of the things i felt. it was overshadowed by feelings of swelling anger and bitter tears. i wanted to scream at someone and tell them it was a ridiculuous show; that they were all attending a circus. and i wanted to cry because i felt so alone. my friends and i we left early. when i got home i accidentally locked my keys in my car. so i kicked the damn tire, wrote a caustic email to a pastor friend of mine and went to sleep with tears drying on my lashes.
and it's not because i don't have a man either. hell for all i know it's a woman i'd be looking for. it's because i don't fit. it's because i don't care about the things so many other people do. i don't want to in many cases, and in other's i just can't bring myself too. most of the time i want to be different, am proud that i am. but when being different makes me feel like there's nohwere for me to belong it just hurts. i wind up feeling like a caged animal bellowing at the injustice only to be scolded for temper tantruming.
i think what got to me more than anything was a video her younger brother had prepared for the occasion, though of course, he wasn't there. it showed old footage of her as a little kid, dressed up for other's weddings with her dad behind the camera telling her she looks beautiful. that's what makes me feel like a caged animal. burning, searing jealousy. it's base, it's vile, it's regretable, and it's true. one of my deans has told me more than once that she doesn't think people ever get over sexual abuse. i know they don't. yeah, we heal but there's always a scar.
and i don't mean that in a hopeless way. i'm not really writting this for people who already know, i'm writing it for those who don't. if you do know, don't give up. keep on the upward journey b/c no matter what you may feel things could always be worse and they can always get better. they will for me, i know. i believe that. i'm just saying that right now i just really want those of you who have been spared, who got lucky, to realize it. if your parent's didn't beat you or ignore you, if your father or brother's or cousin's or neighbors didn't molest you or rape you... please realize it. if you're genitals weren't mutilated so that you'd be a "good girl", if you didn't spend most of your life being called a slut and a ho regardless of what you ever could have done. please realize it. appreciate it. for our sakes. what's the point of you having gotten to be innocent and in many cases keep that innocence if you never notice it. what you have is not the norm. i know you think it is, but it's not. what you have is a blessing. it's what we wish we had. and it would make it so much easier for us, if you could just recognize that and be a little more humble about it. a little more cognizant of the fact that you're, lucky.
